Today is a vulnerable sort of day. 

   The kind of day that I find myself worrying and wondering about all sorts of things, which never does any good, as worry never does.  The issue heavy on my heart and mind today is....will I be a good mom?  And I don't mean that in a trivial way, as in, give me lots of compliments to quickly reassure myself, but really, will I be a good mom?

   I mean, let's be honest.  I'm not one of those women that is meek and mild, slow to speak, gentle, kind, and oozing sweetness from every pore.  And I'm not exaggerating because I KNOW women like that.  You probably do to.  The fact is, I'm not that.  I can be loud and opinionated, impatient and bossy, stubborn and indifferent.  And those are things I don't want to be to my child.

   I have this romantic (and probably naieve) notion that having a baby will change me.  It will bring out a softer, sweeter side of Shelley, that I haven't seen as much as I'd like to.  I have this ideal of the Mom I want to be, and I'm not there yet.  I'm not.  And that scares me.  Because sometimes it takes a long, painful time to change, and I don't have all the time in the world.  In fact, I have about 4 months.  Will I be ready?  Will I be what I want to be?

   I grew up with Disney movies and when I think of some of the characters, it shocks me a little to realize that some days, I have a little bit more in common with the greedy stepmother than with the selfless Cinderella.  Or the vain, wicked queen, rather than the humble Sleeping Beauty.  The beast, rather than Belle.  I'm not proud of this, it's just the way I feel some days.  Like there is a cold, hard side of me that is not the woman I want to be, and up until now, it's been o.k., because I happened to marry the one man who loves me in spite of it all, and anyone else just had to deal with it.  

   But the thought of a precious little person, completely dependent on me, through the good and the bad, terrifies me a little.  I don't want flaws.  I don't want to make mistakes.  I want to be perfect, and be everything that little person could ever want or dream of wanting in a Mom.

   Hopefully tomorrow the preggo hormones won't be raging, I won't be as emotional, and I will feel like I can do this "Mom thing" again.  Today is just not one of those days. 

My dear husband, showing off his excellent rowing skills in the small but sturdy raft I snagged for $2 at a garage sale!

When camping with Konrad's you essentially lack for nothing!  They think of everything.

Brandon & Cindy were there too, and Shannon decided to pamper us preggo ladies one day!  She's an angel.  So here we are, looking very pleased with our feet soaking and getting massaged and you'll notice I'm eating something out of a cup...iced cappucino, made by the ever domestic Cindy.  Delight!
Guitar strumming, singing, stories, s'mores....campfires always have been, and always will be a sort of therapy for me.
Of course camping at Trail Bridge wouldn't be camping at Trail Bridge without catching some fish, cleaning them and frying them up over the fire!  Here are Konrad and Brandon hard at work, and I think Benson desperately wants to help, but isn't sure if he wants to get messy. :)

Annika, Cindy, Anna Lee

We never had a shortage of food on this trip!
Kevin & Jean were there too, with their 3 kiddos.

We hiked a hot, difficult hike to this lovely blue pool!  I'd say it was worth it.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again...wish summer could last all year long!

Last night I felt the baby move for the first time. At least, I believe it was the baby. It could have been gas. But it definitely felt like a little something taking a tumble in there, and I immediately grabbed Randy's hand and he thinks he felt something too! SO. *takes deep breath* It's not just our imaginations, we really are going to be parents soon. Wow.

Anyway, people are here and I must run, but I just had write a little blurb about it. :) I am in awe of the privilege/responsibility God has given Randy and I in this journey, and I can't wait to be a mommy!

Finally! Something to let me know there is something in there after all.


3 months


4 1/2 months

Entering that awkward phase of not quite fitting into all of my clothes, but not big enough for maternity clothes. So for the time being, I'll just continue to wear all my normal clothes until someone tells me they look ridiculous.

Doctor's appointment today will hopefully put all my fears to rest at not having felt the baby move yet...I get anxious and impatient, and that's probably all that it is.

Never before in my life have I found myself looking forward to winter in the middle of summer! Definitely excited about meeting this little guy/girl! Kinda jealous of everyone I know that is finding out what they're having....opinions people, should you find out or let it be a surprise? Randy heard someone say once that there are few genuine surprises left in this life, because we feel the need to plan everything out, and the surprise of a new baby (gender, size, date it comes, etc) is one of the few, rare HUGE surprises left, so of course we try and plan that all out too. What do you think? I have mixed feelings. We aren't finding out for this one, but I may in the future, I don't know. We'll see.:) In the meantime, my curiosity is multiplying!

Hurry, little one.

I shouldn't rub it in, I really shouldn't. But I believe I will. It is Thursday, and my weekend is already beginning! I slept in and had a lovely breakfast of a plain bagel and milk. One half was spread with cream cheese and strawberries, the other half with peanut butter and honey. Mmmm. It tasted even better because the strawberries were FREE, procured by our handy-dandy Win-co coupons. We also got free ice cream, hot dogs, hot dog buns, and tortilla chips. Just in time for camping! Which we will be doing tonight through Sunday.

I love camping. I'm not sure if I got my love of camping from my parents, or my youth group, but somehow, it is there, and there to stay. I don't mind the sweaty, smelliness of less-frequent showers, or the bugs or the chill of the evening. A little sunburn never hurt anyone and I thrive on being outside! My children will be avid campers (whether they like it or not) as I will be a camping Nazi and insist on 1-3 trips each summer. Delight.

The house needs cleaning before we go, and if I get ambitious I might even empty out some mystery meals that have been lurking in the back of our fridge for....honestly I have no idea how long. No wait I do, there's a few things in there from April. Yep. No shame. And I won't even tell you how long I let the chicken marinate before grilling!

However, I was doing laundry which of course gave me a perfect excuse to browse blogs "between loads" and folding, which probably makes my laundry time double, but what can I say, I'm addicted! Oh the lovely blogs out there...maybe I'll post some of my favorites another day.

Friends have been begging for belly pictures, but I'll be honest, there's really not much of one yet! I will try and post some pics soon though, of what I have. I'm warning you though, no adorable bump, just looks like a spare tire of chub. But I will do it for you, my loved ones.

I'm off! Wish us luck fishing, because there is NOTHING like eating freshly caught fish. *mouth waters*

...I can't wait to be a stay-at-home Mom!


10. I may just actually get bold enough to venture into some scrapbooking.

9. I will browse coupon blogs and find great deals.

8. Food won't be CONSTANTLY spoiling in my fridge because I will actually be home for once to stay on top of things!

7. Clean laundry might be more of a regular thing than a novelty.

6. I could have time to try new recipes and learn how to make things I am too scared to try at this time, like sweet potatoes.

5. I will get to know my friends that are moms better as I take my little one on playdates to play with their little ones.

4. I will learn to sew and have a garden.

3. I will blog more.

2. I will be home to greet my husband when he gets back from work, and rather than being exhausted myself, I will have supper cooking and looking pretty. :)

*And the number one reason I can't wait to be a stay-at-home-mom is......drumroll*

1. I will have all of those hours with my baby, stressful or sweet, blissful or frustrating, whatever it may be, those hours will be OURS. And I'm going to try and make the most of them, and remember not to take it for granted, because they won't be home forever!

And perhaps most of these notions are completely naieve, and I still won't get half of these things done because I'll be so busy with a baby. But hey, a girl can dream, can't she?

Can't wait! 156 days to go!! Give or take a few:p

I am doing worse and worse at blogging consistently. Makes me rather disappointed in myself, and frustrated that after such bright optimism at the prospect of this new blog inspiring me to post, I continue to slack. Grr. But I suppose these are thoughts every blogger feels occasionally.

June flew by in the way that only summer months do, and here we are, 6 days into July. Speaking of six days, I am 16 weeks and 6 days along, which means tomorrow marks another week milestone, week 17! My baby is now the size of an avocado, which pleases me.:) If you want to track the size of my babe along with me, just scroll to the bottom of my blog. I fondly remember the size it was when I found out I was preggo...no bigger than a poppy seed! Amazing, the miracle of growth.

For the 4th of July Randy and I went with some family and friends to Christmas Valley, Oregon. Fascinating place. Think of what you would imagine some of the most scraggly, rugged, outback of Australia looking like (minus the trees) and that's about what it looks like. I'm still trying to figure out how people survive, not to mention have milk to drink, when the local grocery sells it for over $4 a gallon and the closest place to go REAL shopping is 90 miles away! However, it was a charming little place, and we met some nice people and attended Christmas Valley community church on Sunday, which I loved.



My belly has reached that very awful stage of not being nearly big enough yet to look like I'm pregnant, but plenty big enough to look like I've eaten 12 too many Krispy Kremes. Ug. :p


Dunk him, honey!



Waiting to see if the chicken will poop on our square, awarding us a $50 prize.:)





Konrad, in an amazing feat of skill, sunk a 50 ft. putt on the first try and won $40!





ONLY in Christmas Valley...


Well that's all for now. Need to get this body into bed soon, as it has been a very long day. Goodnight!