I suppose there are a few things I will miss about this place....after all, it is the first real home we shared together as a newlywed couple.  Well, technically my parents trailer was our first place, for two short months until we moved to Oregon.  But this was the first place we truly called home.  It was the place where we celebrated holidays and birthdays, anniversaries and vacations.  It was where we "came home" to, after camping or traveling or a weekend getaway.  And it was nice.  It really was enough for our needs, and I am not going to claim that I "need" more, when so many people do not even have a 2-bedroom apartment to call their own.  I am feeling so humbled and grateful at this blessing of a house that literally dropped into our laps.

   So in a few days, I will be writing to you from a new home.  And it feels like perfect timing.  I want a new chapter, a fresh page.  We like to say that Jocelyn needs a "change of environment" to stay happy and content, and she does.  Even if it's something as simple as going to a different room, or a 15-minute walk outside, it can make a world of difference on her outlook.  And come to think of it, we really aren't that different.  Maybe it's the restless part of me that can't stay in one place for too long.  I feel like it's just time for this next phase.

Bring it on.

    I don't have any pictures of our lovely Thanksgiving and it's a shame.  The table was beautiful with its acorn/leaf name tags, and the 'horn of plenty' centerpiece (made out of actual bread dough) with fruit spilling out of it.  The food was as good to eat as it was to look at, and everyone was all dressed nice and handsome/gorgeous.  There, can you picture it in your mind?  Well that will have to do because I suppose I was too busy partaking in it all and neglected to get my camera out. :(  I've been doing worse and worse at that lately....

   So after all the football and turkey and Black Friday deals and family...what is leftover?  Well, maybe some sweet potatoes if you're lucky, but what I'm referring to is a laundry list of things you're thankful for this year.  I suppose I could list the obvious ones, like a loving husband who keeps me from going crazy, a beautiful daughter who gives me a reason to become a better person, and a Savior Who gives me reason to face it all, and most of all, hope.  But really, aren't these easy things to be thankful for?  I mean, who wouldn't be thankful to be married to a hunk, or mother to a little piece of sunshine?  So this year, I'm learning (slowly) to be thankful for the not-so-easy things. 

   I was inspired by a post on Dorcas Smucker's blog, but I just tried looking for it and couldn't find it, so maybe she removed it.  If so, it's a shame, because it was a lovely, thought-provoking and lyrical poem about being thankful for the not-so-easy things.  I loved it.  And it challenged me.  Usually, when I think of things I'm thankful for, a list pops into my head like....

• Good health
• Family
• Friends
• Money, clothes, food, etc.

   The easy stuff.  Blessings that anyone in their right mind would be thankful for.  And they should be, because we should give thanks for everything.  But what about the blessings in disguise?  Are we thankful for those?  What about the times that stretch, try us, develop us, mold us, and refine us?  What about the times when our greatest weakness is brought into the spotlight, rearing its ugly head and we shrink back from the sight? What about then? Are we thankful?  I don't know about you, but in those times, an attitude of gratitude is usually the farthest thing from my mind.  My thoughts more closely resemble self-loathing than anything remotely close to thankfulness. 

   So why even be thankful for those things?  Because for some reason, God cares enough about us to not leave us where we are.  He wants us to change.  To grow.  To become the people He has designed, planned, and intended for us to be all along.  Sometimes I feel so far from that person it gets utterly discouraging.  But I know He cares enough to keep working on me, and not leave me on the dusty shelf in the bin marked "Mission: Impossible". 

 And that is quite enough to be eternally grateful for.
 

   Can you believe it?  The next monthly update from Jocelyn will be about her 1st birthday party.  Gasp.  Heave. Faint.  I'll be honest, it really did fly by in a sense, but in another sense, it feels like she was born about 3 years ago, so I'm not sure if it feels like it snuck up on me, or if it feels like she's been here forever, and it makes perfect sense that's she turning at LEAST one, if not seven.  It's a strange dichotomy of feelings.

   Must. Update. Blog.  Those have been my thoughts recently.  In my defense, our computer decided to give itself a vacation, and so I'm editing pictures/posting from my laptop, which really isn't very convenient.  But don't worry, one of my New Year's Resolutions (yes I'm thinking about them already, can't help myself) is to post regularly.  I've never done that before, and I'm a little nervous about making a commitment to that, because then I'll feel like I have to stick to it, but I think it's time.  I'm not sure what "regularly" will mean yet, whether it will be every Monday, Wednesday, Friday, or twice a week no matter what day, etc.  I will figure that out and let you know, come the new year!  Because everyone knows you can't make New Year's Resolutions early. That, and it gives me time to rethink my decision. ;)
 
   In other news,   Jocelyn is 11 months old.  That means it's time for an update.  But since I usually take all of her pictures outside (due to the fact that I despise indoor lighting), and had to take these inside (due to the rain and cold) these pictures will not be the greatest.  Oh well, it's something.

__________________

    Finally, after 11 long months of feeling these feelings but having no way to express them, I give you....*drumroll please* the "Grouchy Gretchen".  I do believe I have mastered it quite well, actually. 

    You too, could be an expert, if only you try.  Just scrunch up your nose, pooch out your lower lip, and furrow your eyebrows, and presto, everyone knows exactly how you're feeling about your current predicament.  It's so liberating!  Why didn't I think of this before?

    Here I am trying to show George (my sock monkey) how to make the face.  "No George, you scrunch your nose first, like this!"  He wasn't very cooperative.  But I love him anyways!


_________

   Like she said, we are pretty busy these days.  Busy with what?  Oh, just a little bit of............

• Getting ready for the Day of Thanks, to which I am taking TWO DISHES this year (the pressure's on!!).  
• After that, it will be Black Friday madness (if I decide to go)
• Civil War game on Saturday
• A week of packing/cleaning craziness and then MOVING on December 1st!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm excited, if you couldn't tell.
• Packing like mad to leave on the 3rd for a week in Iowa/Indiana for a friend's wedding, to which I am traveling with Jocelyn, sans husband. :(  
• Then I will come back, and in one, indistinguishable whirlwind of twinkle lights and cookie cutters, I will simultaneously deck the halls and prepare for both Christmas, and Jocelyn's 1st birthday party extravaganza.
• Then we will party like it's 1999.  
• Then, two days later, we will have an all-day Smucker thing.
• 3 days after that, is Christmas.  
• Then we will have more family things, a friend's wedding on the 31st, and ring in the New Year. 
• Then I will of course make my New Year's traditions, after which I will promptly collapse into a heap on the floor and being to hyperventilate.

Happy Holidays.

   I should be sleeping, not blogging.  But there's just so many things rattling around in my brain, I'm afraid it will be hard to sleep.  Randy doesn't have that problem.  That man can be having a conversation and snoring about 2 minutes apart from each other.  I've always envied that sort of calm, peaceful self-assurance that I think a person has to have to be able to fall asleep like that. ME on the other hand...I worry.  I lay there in bed, and I fret about something I did/said and shouldn't have, or something I should have but didn't.  I worry about the future, I worry about a current issue, I worry about people's opinions, you name it, I've probably worried about it.  And the weird part is, I don't think of myself as an insecure person.  I like to think that I live fairly confidantly in who I am in Christ, but there's just something about laying down to go to bed that gives everything else in this blessed universe the green light to rear it's ugly head and pester me.  Sigh.



    I wonder why we fear.  We know Who holds our future, we actually have a personal relationship with the Creator of the Universe, we know that fear will accomplish NOTHING, and yet...we fear.  Why?  Do we really think so much of ourselves to think that it matters? That it changes one jot or tittle in the scheme of our lives?  The only thing it does affect, is our state of mind.  Our attitude.  Our happiness.  And why do we so willingly throw that away for a small time of worry, when worry gets us nowhere anyway?  Once you figure it out, let me know, so I can learn how to stop.


   I'm feeling lately, like I am so far from the person I want to be.  I feel like I make so much headway and progress in my walk with Christ, and then some days it feels like I'm back to square one.  Or maybe even further.  Does anyone else ever feel that way?  Like you take two steps forward and one step back?  But it's not always like that.  Nooo.  Sometimes it's as if I've taken leaps and bounds until I realize one day that my feet are even touching the ground anymore, I am flying that high. And then something...it can be anything really...brings me crashing back down to sea level and I realize that, oh, yeah I am still selfish. I am stubborn.  I am jealous and judgmental and self-righteous.  I am all of these things that I see every day in other people and despise.


   I read a quote somewhere on the fabulous pinterest, that judging someone doesn't define them, it defines you.  And that has been both convicting and challenging.  I want to change.  I hate the judgment Christians impose on each other, and the self-righteous way we all think we're better than someone else, but aren't I doing that just by thinking about that?  When will it end?  When I judge people that judge people?  Obviously not.

All photos found here.
(You can find the links from my pinterest board.)

   I've been thinking a lot lately about life and motherhood.  What it means to be a mother, what it looks like, how it shapes your life and molds your world, and whether all of that is a good thing or not.

   I recently read a great post on this lovely young woman's blog, about living a "wild ocean life".  Now it was a wonderful, inspiring read, but it left me with a lot of questions...just what exactly does a wild ocean life look like, and how does that apply to motherhood?  Those are the deep questions I am facing in my life today.

   For example, she mentions never wanting her life to reach the point where the biggest worries in her life are Sunday potlucks and scrapbook parties.  And 5 years ago, I would have raised my fist and shouted a hearty, "Hear, hear!"  But not so much right now.  And I guess my question today is, "Does that mean my values/dreams/visions/goals have changed in a way that is bad, or that I have changed as a person in a way that is good?"

   Because the bottom line is, when you get married and become a mom, life changes.  Period.  It changes, priorities change, you change, he changes, it just does.  That's the way it is.  NOW, I am NOT saying that is has to be BAD change.  If you're Mennonite, you cringe at the word "change".  Maybe you even hush your voice when you say it, like it's some kind of curse word.  But the truth is, there is good change and bad change. 

   For example, if you get married and have a baby and decide that you can no longer keep up with any of your old friends whatsoever, or go on dates with your husband alone, because you just don't have the time and after all, this child is now the center of your universe.....I would call that bad change.  But if you get married and have a baby and suddenly cooking and cleaning are of interest to you, and you actually care what kind of dish you prepare for the church potluck, and you throw a scrapbook party with other moms so that you all can fellowship and refresh each other's spirits and retain your sanity, I would call that good change. 

  Another one of my unmarried girlfriends recently voiced her concerns about motherhood, and how it seems to really change a person, their dreams and ambitions, and even the connection and relationship of the couple.  Not to mention the sacrifice of the woman's career before marriage.  I think the whole picture just seems a little daunting to her, and so if there is one thing I could say to her, I will say this....

   Let's just start off this post with a little honesty.  Yes some of these pictures are "re-runs" from my guest post over at baileynme2, and I'm sure that's like breaking Commandment #2 in a blogger's 10 Commandments, but I don't really care.  It's going to double as my 10 month post for Jocelyn, because they were taken fairly close to that age, and I just don't see myself getting a photo shoot done any time soon, and she's already 10 1/2 months, so 11 months will be here before I know it and I'll have to do those, and so these will have to do. Plus some of them you haven't seen before.  Enough excuses, here she is.

   Hi everyone, Jocelyn here.  Sorry I can't be my usual perky self today because I have a cold.  I'm sneezing, whuffling and sniffling all day long, and it's not very fun.  My two favorite things right now are not eating and not sleeping, so I'm not having the best of weeks. 



   My new thing is peek-a-boo.  I've always found it amusing, but it is WAY more fun when you do it yourself!  Now when Mommy and Daddy lay me down in my crib to sleep, I pull the blanket up over my head and they say, "Where did Jossie go?" and then I pull it down and they are so surprised.  I do it over and over because it is so much fun, but also because it makes them stay, and I don't have to go to sleep as soon!

   I just love to stand up to things, it makes me feel so grown-up.  I also love walking, with Mommy's help of course.  I can clap my hands really well now, and am quick to do it when someone asks me to.  It makes me feel so accomplished.  I still love my bath, and I like to drink the water and suck on old washrags and the shower curtain and pretty much anything Mommy doesn't want me to do.  Makes it more exciting. :) 

    She's a charmer that one.  Somehow, even with this new, crazy "sick child" schedule, and her new-found appetite for NOTHING, I can't help but adore her. I have to admit it though, the last couple of days have been rough.  Not trying to get pity, or be pessimistic, just saying it like it is.  Life is just real sometimes. 
 
   We took our family pictures this evening.  The picture-taking went great, it was the preparations that got a little tedious.  And I couldn't help but wonder as I labored over our outfits and spent quite a bit of time getting ready...What would family pictures look like, if it was the "inner man" that got photographed, rather than the outward?  Can you imagine THOSE Christmas cards?  The siblings scowling because they had to wear uncomfortable shoes, and the father scowling because he had to take pictures at all.  The mother scowling because she couldn't find her favorite scarf and had to settle for her 2nd. And a greeting that read, "Hope your holidays are filled with love, joy, and peace on earth...because ours have been anything but that."

  Imagine if somehow, instead of our combed hair and matchy little outfits, the camera captured the true thoughts and feelings inside.  Would any of us have a suitable picture to send out to everyone we know?  We scramble around, making sure every hair is in place, imperfection disguised, wrinkle ironed out and smudge of dirt wiped clean.  We smile real big until the camera clicks and then....then what?  Do we go back home and speak unkind words, act selfishly and think mean thoughts?  Do we look at others people's Christmas cards and envy their "perfect" life, when they might be fighting even more battles than we are at the moment?  Do we gaze at our own cards with criticism, wishing our families were something they weren't?  Do we gaze at them with pride, thinking somehow we have it better than most everybody else, and we deserve that?

   I love a Christmas card as much as the next person.  But it's a challenge to me to try and think of what my family portrait would look like, if it captured the real me.  And I'm not talking about the Shelley YOU see, because that Shelley will fade away.  That Shelley will be buried in the ground someday, and turn to dust.  No, the real one.  The one that will last forever.  What kind of portrait would she look like?

 That was for free. :)

*P.S. Husband just walked in with flowers and sweet potato fries.  Somehow, he knows just how to make the world a little bit better.