Worry, schmorry.

11:37 PM

   I should be sleeping, not blogging.  But there's just so many things rattling around in my brain, I'm afraid it will be hard to sleep.  Randy doesn't have that problem.  That man can be having a conversation and snoring about 2 minutes apart from each other.  I've always envied that sort of calm, peaceful self-assurance that I think a person has to have to be able to fall asleep like that. ME on the other hand...I worry.  I lay there in bed, and I fret about something I did/said and shouldn't have, or something I should have but didn't.  I worry about the future, I worry about a current issue, I worry about people's opinions, you name it, I've probably worried about it.  And the weird part is, I don't think of myself as an insecure person.  I like to think that I live fairly confidantly in who I am in Christ, but there's just something about laying down to go to bed that gives everything else in this blessed universe the green light to rear it's ugly head and pester me.  Sigh.

    I wonder why we fear.  We know Who holds our future, we actually have a personal relationship with the Creator of the Universe, we know that fear will accomplish NOTHING, and yet...we fear.  Why?  Do we really think so much of ourselves to think that it matters? That it changes one jot or tittle in the scheme of our lives?  The only thing it does affect, is our state of mind.  Our attitude.  Our happiness.  And why do we so willingly throw that away for a small time of worry, when worry gets us nowhere anyway?  Once you figure it out, let me know, so I can learn how to stop.

   I'm feeling lately, like I am so far from the person I want to be.  I feel like I make so much headway and progress in my walk with Christ, and then some days it feels like I'm back to square one.  Or maybe even further.  Does anyone else ever feel that way?  Like you take two steps forward and one step back?  But it's not always like that.  Nooo.  Sometimes it's as if I've taken leaps and bounds until I realize one day that my feet are even touching the ground anymore, I am flying that high. And then something...it can be anything really...brings me crashing back down to sea level and I realize that, oh, yeah I am still selfish. I am stubborn.  I am jealous and judgmental and self-righteous.  I am all of these things that I see every day in other people and despise.

   I read a quote somewhere on the fabulous pinterest, that judging someone doesn't define them, it defines you.  And that has been both convicting and challenging.  I want to change.  I hate the judgment Christians impose on each other, and the self-righteous way we all think we're better than someone else, but aren't I doing that just by thinking about that?  When will it end?  When I judge people that judge people?  Obviously not.

All photos found here.
(You can find the links from my pinterest board.)

   Just some thoughts.  Maybe now that they're out I'll be able to sleep.

   Goodnight, world.

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  1. WOW.....Shelley.... I could not have said it any better. Anxiety is a large part of my life. I fret over everything. I have been learning how to deal with it in a postive way but none the less I am still a "worry wart". I think it is natural, to an extent, to worry. It means you care about others as well as yourself and want to make the right impression with actions and words. I on the other hand do consider myself a bit insecure. I can blame many things as to why that is, but the important thing it to acknowledge an move forward in a postive manner. Your blogs are amazing Shelley. Today I have decided to start my own. My journey with college make me feel like I am not good enough or too old. But I think a blog might help me to "vent" what I think and feel, thus helping to relieve the stress, anxiety and frustrations of daily life. I just hope I can write as eloquently as you do! You are truly a gifted writer! I could see you writing short stories or even a "self-help" book! :) ~Jennifer

  2. I can so identify. Especially with sometimes being so far from the person I want to be. GReat post. And by the way the being able to fall asleep quickly is a man trait ;-) I think. From what I read it's because their thinking is sectional and when they want to they can just switch off the part of the brain they don't want to go to anymore. At least that's what I read, and I've found it true for my husband. :-)

  3. Hi, I really like your blog! I can't help adding the quote, "worrying is like praying for what you don't want".

    My husband and I are the same; I lay there worrying forever whereas he can fall asleep in seconds. (The upside to that is not feeling guilty about waking him up in the night, because he can always get right back asleep.)

    When he was little and couldn't sleep his mom would sit with him and get him to remember really detailed descriptions of what the nicest parts of that day had been, and he says he's always been in that habit: when he lays down he focuses on generating really detailed remembrances of something nice, and it makes him fall asleep.

    Which is very sweet, but I find I can't stay focused on any one thing when I'm worrying at night.

    Lately what's worked best for me is chatting with him and trying to come up with all the things in one silly category, like 'what all sayings and phrases do our parents repeat most ' (disrespectful but the relaxing/tiring combination of funny+effort puts me right to sleep)

    I've always wondered whether it's worth it trying to meditate or do some kind of focusing exercises... whether part of getting night time peace can be a simple matter of training, but I've never focused long enough to try it :0

  4. I like this, Shells. I especially like the quote on here, "Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." So true. When I think of times that I've gone through something really rough, it sometimes has been eye-opening how people can say and do things around me just the same as before but I actually take it differently because of what I'm going through. WOW. I feel like that sentence got really jumbled. Make sense? Basically, it's a good reminder to treat people with the respect I'd want to be treated with in those times. Anyway, blahblahblah. Love you dear! I get to see you in LESS than a month!! :D


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