Guest blogger--Jeanette Kauffman!

Well.

Have I got a Monday treat for you.

   I am feeling a bit like a kid in a candy store right now, and am quite thrilled to feature my very first guest blogger, Jeanette (a.k.a. Jenny) Kauffman from her delightful blog, Baileyandme2!  What an honor.  I can't even remember how I first found her blog...and I'm sure she is one of those people that once you meet you feel as if you've always known, because I feel that way and haven't even ever met her.

   She is a talented writer, has a heart for God and an eye for detail (which you can see displayed in the vintage, cozy decor in her beautiful home).  I greatly enjoy reading of the adventures of her darling little ladies, as I am going to be mama to two girls soon, and would love all the advice I can get! Actually that's why we had two girls first, so we could be just like the Kauffmans.

   If you haven't already heard of/visited the blog of the fabulous Jenny K., I suggest you do so now. Or after reading the guest post, whichever you prefer.  You will not be disappointed.  Her wit and humor blends with just the right amount of reality to make for such a refreshing, honest read.  As as for this post, well...I'm sure you will be just as delighted with it as I was. Actually I don't know if that's true.  You have to have a certain amount of history with/appreciation for movies for this post to have its full impact, and believe me, it is SPOT. ON.  Hilarious. 

So, without further ado, here she is!

~~~~~~~~~

   Hi, my name is Jenny Kauffman and I am thrilled to be guest posting for the Lovely Shelley today.

Flattered and thrilled and humbled, really.

   I love her blog- the beautiful way she embraces her life as a loving mom and wife, the way she looks for the beauty in everyday things, the way she shares cute things and doesn't keep them all for herself (kid's videos/cool fashion tips)...  and her honesty. Because I am a real lover of good old-fashioned honesty.

I hope I don't embarrass her too badly- or un-classy up her blog for the day.

Because what I felt led to write about today is called:

~~~

Did You Ever Notice in the Movies?

(I don`t watch a lot of movies- but when I do, I like to criticize them. Here is my list of common 'movie-isms' you'll never see in real life.)

1. Whenever someone wants to declare something to another person- there is always a reason the leftover party leaves the area.

Third Wheel: "Oh... (murmuring) Excuse me, (throws napkin on table) I'm going to have to take this."

Leaves room with cell phone by ear.

Fancy Lady: "Mmm, this Filet Mignon is so delicious. I'm so glad we came back--"

Fancy Man: "I'm still in love with you."

2. If the main character is very beautiful, her best friend is always funny. If the main character is funny and clumsy, her best friend is a knock-out.

Why? Because otherwise it would be too hard to figure out who the main character is. No one wants to watch two J.Los. Everyone wants a variety show- funny. pretty. funny. pretty. FUNNY. And so on and so forth.

3. If the movie is a RomCom (romantic comedy)... did you ever notice everyone the couple has come in contact with throughout the journey of the movie, is at their wedding?

And the lower budget the RomCom, the more likely you will be to see the mailman as a groomsmen or a new nurse friend as a bridesmaid.

4. Also if the lead character in the movie is a female, then she will only be able to converse and spend time with one best friend- two MAX for the whole movie. But somehow at the wedding-- a bunch of no-namers, or "evil cousins" show up as bridesmaids.

5. And in movies, it`s never awkward or questioned if you say to someone:

"Can you excuse us?"

-- yes, they will nod pleasantly, and find another corner to walk over to.

It`s the same as saying to someone,

"Can you walk away from us? We want to talk without you."

I have never seen someone do this in real life.

And again, can we say limited set space.

6. Also, another scenario. The dining out scene.

There is a always a real-cool, rich, male character-- (he of course, picked up the check for the whole table) that at the end of the meal will wave his arm above his head and call lightly across the room,

ACROSS THE ROOM.

"Check PLEASE." In a real commanding way.

And the even weirder thing is, the waiter is always nearby with the check in hand.

Again, I have never seen anyone do this in real life. Is it only an upscale restaurant, I am a multimillionaire thing? Because last time we went to Applebee's and were done eating with no check... we sat and waited.

And then when we saw our waitress loitering by the hostess stand, we mentioned it to each other through mouths-that-don't-frame-words, and sideways stares.

And when 15 minutes passed with no check-- we discussed with those same stiff mouths, who was going to walk over and ask her for it.

And. When we all figured out we were all gutless and polite (afraid of conflict) and no one was going to hunt waitress down-- we settled in to chat (we have all night right?).

Literally, TRY to imagine the stares-- had we waved our arms across that crowded, 'Merica, sports-lovin' crowd at Applebee's and yelled:

"Check, please".

7. Number seven. Did you ever notice if two people want to discuss something privately, they can-- even IN THE SAME room-- as long as they step away and LOWER their voices.

Innocent party is cleaning out cabinets in the kitchen.

The next two characters sit at the kitchen bar. Their heads are close together, and they start out speaking in undertones.

Discreet Party #1: "You have to tell her you we lost her puppy, emptied her bank account, and wrecked her car!!"

Discreet Party #2 (hisses) "YOU TELL HER-- AND DON'T FORGET WE LOST HER CAR KEYS TOO!"

#1: "Shhhhhh!"

And then they come to a conclusion, but at the end of the scene, the Innocent Party is just rounding the end of cleaning out the fridge, still completely oblivious. In fact, that character will probably say something like:

"Can you two give me a hand with this ladder?"

And the two naughties will look knowingly at each other.

She's so innocent. 

8. If the heroine is being pursued by a tall, dark, and handsome, rich-guy-- she will still chose her sweet, funny, long-suffering, faithful, best guy-friend at the end, to settle down and nest with.

And I never said the rich guy was a jerk-- you just profiled!

But no, you are right, rich guys in movies are usually portrayed as unkind.

The reason this is so unrealistic, is in real life, girls often pick a jerk to settle down with. Why are chicks in movies such good pickers? They make such GREAT life choices.

9. If at the end of a RomCom you not only see the couple wed, but you see a closing flash of the heroine with a BABY BUMP-- THEN you know their love is real, and it will last forever. It takes the couple's love to a whole new level.

(Example: Notting Hill)

10. If a movie star, say Matt Damon, puts on a lot of weight-- then he will also talk gross, and dress ugly.

This is so unrealistic, because in real life, if "upper 30s" Matt Damon notices he is heavier and aging-- he will be AMPING up his wardrobe and dressing as body-affirming as possible. Also, his clossy vo-o-ice will be the last thing to go.

11. Flinging open church doors during a wedding and declaring--

"STOP THE WEDDING. 'Rosemary'... (this character is usually played by Kate Hudson) you will always be the one for me!"

Never gonna happen.

More guys should try this though-- because it seems as though chicks do not have it in their power to stay with their groom after a wedding-crasher declares his love. I guess all girls are a sucker for public affirmation, and a leetle drama.

12. And lastly, if you suddenly have a revelation, after spending the last half year (in movie time: last hour) with a "friend", and suddenly, SUDDENLY realize you love them.

DO. NOT. SAY. these words with your mouth:

"We've got to get to the airport!"

And NO!-- do not borrow "some for no name relative's" car that is totally somehow inappropriate for the drive (a race car, ready for a parade, too old to go on interstate, bright pink) and then drive at neck breaking speed to get there.

And for the love of all good things! DO NOT WASTE MONEY ON A $500 PLANE TICKET. No, no, no, no, no, no. Put your wallet away. Save the $500. You can use your cell phone. You'll save a lot of money- and it will likely do the trick.

~~~

Okay. I think I am done with that.

BONUS: And how about one mental dollar if you can guess guess what favorite '90s chick-flick these pictures (below) are from.

Bill Pullman! Sandra Bullock! Together onscreen, what a dream.

~~~

Share any great 'Only in the Movies' scenarios that come to your mind- I'd love to hear.

~Jenny

   There you have it folks, the funny, the fabulous, Jenny.  I'd love to hear some feedback! Give me your  'Only in the Movies' scenarios, or just leave any comment in general about the post, and then head on over to her blog and show her some love.  This was so much fun maybe I'll just keep doing guest bloggers and never post again! ;)

Happy Monday everyone.