Becoming Mama.

"Becoming a parent is a lot like breaking up with yourself."

   That quote from The Gypsy Mama caught my eye, and I would highly recommend you hop on over there and give her post a read.  It's so well written, and spot-on in her descriptions of what motherhood "took her from".

 Sometimes I feel as if I have never been more alive at any other time in my life than now, as a mother.  There are days when I feel as if the "pre-baby Shelley" was a mere shadow of the woman I have become, since adding "Mama" to my titles.  I wasn't nearly as patient.  I wasn't as strong.  My endurance and stamina and multi-tasking abilites were a whisper of what they are now.  Yes, there are moments when I feel this whole motherhood thing has really molded me, shaped me, and formed me into the best me yet. 

   BUT.......then there are days when I sorely miss the old me.  The life of the party me.  The go-go-go, rock-around-the-clock, stay up late and sleep in late, eat when I feel like it, go wherever, whenever I want to, me.  The fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants, never make plans, spontaneity-is-my-middle-name, me.  

  
   When a typical summer's day itinerary was sleeping in, meeting friends at the pool, sunning myself and getting lost in a magazine.  Enjoying ice cream or frappucinos and lounging at a coffee shop afterward, just letting the hours roll by.  Making a brief appearance back at home to shower and change before heading out for the evening.  "When will you be home?" Mom would ask.  "Oh, I don't know, I might watch a movie and spend the night over at so-and-so's house."  I never had it all planned out, and didn't have to.  I did what I felt like, when I felt like it.  And Holy Huggies sometimes that sounds so deliciously wonderful I wonder why I ever left it!!

    

But then I remember why. 

   Because I loved someone dearly, and wanted to begin a new life with him.  And because I wanted a child that was a part of us.  I had a burning desire to experience life WITH someone.  The idea of living just for ourselves is all peaches and cream until you start to think about getting old.  Who would you spend the holidays with? Who would you enjoy vacations with?  Who will those little details of your life matter to? We wouldn't have any reason to be involved with schools, sports, plays, pageants, recitals, and all those other parent/child activities so what would we do all summer?  Garden?  Knit? 

   I know, I know, it sounds like the only reasons I had a child were selfish.  And sometimes they are selfish I guess.  I want someone to want me.  I want someone to depend on me.  I want my daughters to grow into women of God that love life and drag me into all kinds of adventures with them.  I want these two young women to know me in a way that no one else ever will.  I want to form a bond, a friendship with them, that I will never quite experience with anyone else.

   But some of the reasons aren't selfish.  Reasons like, wanting them to leave a legacy and impact on the world far above and beyond what I ever could.  Hoping that their dreams are realized, even if some of mine never are.  Praying that my ceiling will only be their floor.

   In one week it will be exactly 17 months since our little Jocelyn Kate made me a mama.  So much has changed since then. 

• We moved to a bigger house in the country, with plenty of yard space for the little ones to play.
• We bought a bigger vehicle, saying a sad little goodbye to the sporty 2-door BMW that was so much fun, but not car seat/stroller/lots of groceries friendly.
• We have made new friends, and been welcomed by a wonderful church family.
• We have traveled to weddings, and visited family and friends from out-of-state.
• Randy's business has grown, and new opportunities are presenting themselves.
• My blog has grown, even though I continue to slack at it.
• My brother has come to live with us for a year, serving with Gospel Echoes ministries.
• We discovered in October that we were expecting Baby #2.  

   The list could go on and on.  So much has changed.  And will continue to change.  Because life won't allow you to stay still for long.   I just hope that as this second little one enters our world and changes me forever once again, I will choose to remember the "reasons" why I chose to become "Mama".  That I will not lament the old me, but celebrate the new me.  That I will not always be caught looking back, but looking forward with hope, ambition, and a vision for the future.

Happy Mother's Day, everyone.