Rainy day ramblings.

   The rain is back.  And on cue, so is my very own personal mental "little black raincloud" that seems to be attached at the hip with the weather outside my window. 

But that is a lame excuse.

   And it always used to really bother me when people would go all Eeyore just because it was gray and dreary outside.  "Grow up!" I wanted to say.  "Deal with it! That's life! You'll ALWAYS have a reason to feel down, whether it's the weather, bills to pay, disobedient children, a broken-down car...the list could go on forever.  Your circumstances will never be perfect, so this is a battle you have to fight and win in your mind, or you will struggle with it forever."

    I've never actually told anyone that (thank goodness) just thought it in the recesses of my mind, and now I'm extra glad, because my words would all be coming back to me, and I'd have to eat them.  Yuck. 

   Randy and I were at the hospital the other day for a tour/going over the birth plan and the nurse said something that hasn't quite left me yet.  She said, "And really these are just the most incredible times of your lives...but I'm sure you already know that."  And a part of me didn't.  Like, not just in a vague, "I know it but sometimes I forget it" way, but in a deeper, darker, "I really don't feel that way" way.  And it made me quite sad. 

Because really, these days are pure magic. 

   Growing a human inside of you, getting to meet them for the very first time, watching first-hand as they experience the world around you and shower you in unconditional love in great big armfuls that you never quite feel as if you deserve?  Magic. 

But sometimes it just doesn't feel that way.

   It feels more like, survival.  Like pushing through.  Like waking up to another day, and that not really being that big of a deal.  When really, it's all we've got.  We have today.  That's it.  And really, not even that.  We have this moment.  We might not have this afternoon, or this evening.  We just have these individual moments, and as they slip by, they are gone forever. 

  
   And so today I am taking a leaf blower to that little black raincloud, and trying to shoo it away by being thankful for little things.  Because sometimes it seems that is all you have.  A collection of little blessings. (When really, we all know that is an illusion, because we have more incredible, huge blessings than we could ever hope to deserve.) 

Things like:

• A chicken wrap and sweet tea for lunch.  I LOVE sweet tea and would drink it 3x a day if I could, but it is something I never have on hand.  Husband surprised me with buying it the other day. 
• Polka-dot socks.  Life is too short to wear white ones.
• A necklace from Hubs for Mother's day.  He ordered it with two eggs in the nest to represent our two little girlies.  I love it.

   Joss is up from her nap.  It wasn't a long one.  But I will choose to be thankful that she's always so happy to see me, even if sometimes I'm not the happiest to see her (awake).  And she wraps her arms around me tight and lays her head on my shoulder as if that's the only place in the world she wants to be, and really, in about 12 years I'll probably have to pay her to do that. 

So for now, I'm going to soak it up. 

Like the rain.