Life lately.

9:56 PM

It's quiet in the house.

   It's 8:38 and everyone in the house is asleep, but me.  Randy fell asleep while telling the girls a story, William is deep in dreamland, and I even thought about turning in myself before I realized it's STILL ONLY EIGHT THIRTY.  That's what this crazy time change will do to ya.

   Much has happened this month and I really have no idea where to in the meantime, I'll slap a few pictures on here of a few glimpses of life lately.

   I really ought to warn them about being a Duck fan....."They'll break ya heart, kid." (name that movie)

It's always frustrating when the girls come bounding in and wake up a sleeping me and baby......but sometimes I embrace the craziness and now this picture will always be one of my favorite photos, bags under eyes and all.  

The girls started ballet classes and it has been a learning experience for all of us.   As time goes on I am only more and more aware of the vast differences between my two daughters, and the things that come naturally and easily for one, are difficult for the other.  I am constantly reminded to celebrate their differences and my hope is that I never make them feel less than/more than the other in any way, but totally celebrated for who they uniquely are.  And I just love the mission statement in the dance studio that reads:  "To teach all dance from a heart of surrender and excellence.  To love and encourage dancers to know Christ in new and deeper ways.  To nurture and facilitate personal and spiritual growth in pursuit of becoming vessels that bring glory to God."

My siblings, left to right, oldest to youngest: Shannon, Shelley (me), Shawn, Shelby, Shane, Sheryl, and Shaylon. 
My family was out to visit and we had a wonderful time being ALL together out at the coast.  I hope to do a re-cap of our vacation together but I can't make any promises when that might happen.

   It feels strange to return to this space.  This blank page.  Strange because it's been so long, and strange because lately I just haven't felt the courage required for the vulnerability to write.  And so while I have MUCH to catch up on,  maybe for a time it will just be a little hello here and there.  A little "Hi there, we're still alive" type of thing. Because I just can't seem to find it in me these days to offer the transparency and authenticity that I hold myself to in my writing.  And if I can't be that, then I'd just rather remain silent.

  I suppose it is only natural for life to have different seasons and for some seasons to feel so full and useful and successful and meaningful, and for other seasons to feel like you are just putting one foot in front of the other.  I'm quite sure that it is only natural that some of those seasons cycle through and come back around, but they always seem to catch me by surprise when they do.  Much like the Christmas decorations that stores like to roll out mid-October.  It's like....what the?!?...oh yeah, it is almost that time of year.  That sort of feeling.

   Which is all quite ironic, because I know in my heart even as I live it that these will be the days I look back on.  The years I look back on and realize were perhaps the richest of them all.  And so why is it that in the midst of the "best days of our lives" I can feel so lost?  Still searching for a way to contribute, a way to be part of something bigger than me, a way to be really useful?  Sometimes I just feel so much like Thomas the Train.  At the end of the day, he didn't really care about anything other than just wanting to be really useful.

  And even while I say it, I know how silly it all sounds.  For a busy mother of three to be waxing poetic about "being useful".  Because I am, after all, very NEEDED.  So many, many needs.  But don't you ever get that feeling that your gifts or talents are just going to dry up and blow away from disuse?  That after so many years of lying dormant because of simply being "busy" you're going to forget how you ever used them before?  That you won't remember how to dream?

   I guess that's what I'm afraid of. That by the time things slow down and I'm able to put two thoughts together again and actually figure out how people drink a cup of coffee while it's still won't matter any more.  Because I won't even know what I want anymore.

   It's not that I don't want others to succeed.   I mean, I'm happy for the "mompreneurs" that get the book deal or the HGTV show or the magazine feature.  O.k. so I might sob into my pillow for a hot second (or 10 minutes) but really, truly, good for them.  It's not that I want everyone to fail.  I don't.  It would just be nice to be a part of something too, every now and then.

   Oh goodness, no one wants to hear this.   I usually edit most of this stuff out but tonight I just don't have the energy.  So you can just move along to some other blog or podcast or periscope or whatever it is that the kids are doing these days, and I will be back to my sunnier outlook another day.

Over and out.

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