Tomorrow I will reach another milestone in my life.....turning 29.  This is it.  I've officially, finally, and permanently reached the END OF MY TWENTIES.

I am completely unsure of how I feel about this.

   This means that the next birthday is 30 and when I was young (and I guess by young I mean in my teens?)  30 yr old people were the ones that had like, 6 kids and a mortgage and bills to pay and lawns to mow and jaw-droppingly boring lives.  And then all of the sudden here I am, ditto to everything (except the 6 kids) and can hardly believe I am entering my last year EVER as a twenty-something.

How?  How, how, how.

   My niece Annika and I share a birthday and this year she turns 10, which is a little bit terrifying because I can remember, CLEAR AS DAY being 10 years old.  I remember my party, what we did and who I invited.  I remember what I wore and how it was hot and sticky and humid, a typical Iowan August.

   For some reason, (that will always and forever remain a mystery) I decided that it would be fun to have a beauty pageant at my birthday party.  Because what could be a better idea than rounding up a group of preteen girls and comparing them to one another in a public way?  Um, about a million other ideas, that's all.

   And for some even MORE unexplicable reason, my parents allowed me to do so.  So we all trounced through my closet, throwing together our various ensembles.  I chose to be a cowgirl.  Hat, jeans, boots, the white shirt with the fringe....the works. The shirt was an early birthday gift, and I couldn't WAIT to put it to use.

    We we were ready, we flounced and bounced downstairs, hair freshly primped and cheeks and eyes aglow as we lined up in front of the "Judges panel" which of course was one of our peers, a guest of the party.  And so in case you were unaware, YES, it's possible for bad ideas to get worse.

   My dad was videoing and we each took our turn walking down the sidewalk toward the camera with a cute little twirl at the end, to the announcement of our names and ages.  I remember my little brother Shawn zooming around on his scooter, or bike, or something with wheels, and was being "terribly annoying" in my 10-yr-old mind.  And of course now I would give anything to go back in time and drop everything and play with that adorable, gap-toothed, skinny little 6-yr-old boy.  We would have such fun together rather than experience the tragedy of a beauty pageant that was my 10th birthday party.

    So after our trouncing and flouncing was complete, we thought it would be a good idea to all line up in a neat little row, and eagerly await the announcement of the winner.  There were 6 or 7 of us in line, and I remember feeling equally nervous and excited and squirming against that gnawing pit in my stomach...you know the kind that you sort of hate and kind of love?  My heart was lodged somewhere in my throat as I waited to hear the results.

   The judge cleared her throat and started with the last place.  When she announced the name I felt instantaneous pity and relief.  Pity for her, relief it wasn't me.  (Once again, how was this ever conceived as even a remotely good idea??!)

  We all held our breath as the next name was announced......"And second-to-last place is......Shelley Graber!" 

   I remember not knowing if I had heard correctly and then everything else proceeded in a bit of a blur as one by one, the girls were named until the winner had won.

Second-to-last.  

  I couldn't believe it.  It was MY birthday and I still got second-to-last!  That probably meant that they were only feeling sorry for me because it WAS my birthday, and so ordinarily I would have gotten plain old LAST!  But perhaps the worst part of all was that the party wasn't over.  It was only beginning.  And so I still needed to smile and eat cake and say thank-you and laugh with everyone there, all the while my heart was breaking.

I'm not beautiful.
I'm not wanted.
I'm not worthy. 
I'm not enough. 

  These were the lyrics to the beat that my little heart pounded in my ears and I fought back the tears that stung at my eyelids and tried so hard not to let anyone know.

   I guess up until then, I hadn't known the sting of rejection.  I was just a child, and as all children should be, I was accepted and loved and cherished.  I always felt worthwhile, and I suppose yes, beautiful.  Beautiful because I was loved.

   Of course it is all rather silly and ridiculous to look back on now, but those feelings were real.  Not dreamt up by the vivid imagination of a 10-yr-old girl (although we all know I had one).   Not conceived on paper by the author of young adult fiction, but REAL.  Playing out in real time, in my life, on my birthday.  And while I don't believe that wound was sufficient enough to hurt me into my adulthood, the messages were.

   The lies whispered by the enemy of my soul in those brief moments cut deep through marrow and bone, causing this story to bring tears to my eyes even now, 19 years later.  But please don't misunderstand me.....the tears are not because I didn't win a beauty pageant on my birthday.

  The tears are for all the years I've lived under the shadow of those lies, and for all of the years I've tried so hard to not let anyone see me hiding.  

   If I've said it once I've said it 1,000 times, but I'll say it again.........It's often the people you'd least expect.  The very ones that you can't imagine battling insecurity or facing their own demons day after day, are often the very ones who are.  And be careful to remember that it's not an imagined, fictional, feeling.......it is real pain.  And it can happen to anyone.

   And so what I would like my 10-yr-old niece to hear on her special day, and anyone else who may need to hear it too, is that....

You a beautiful daughter of the King.
You are wanted and redeemed.
You are worthy of grace.
You are, dear child, enough.

   And in honor of those beautiful promises, a little celebration is in order!  I was so inspired when my friend Janene hosted a giveaway on her blog one year for her birthday, and I thought that was just a beautiful thing to do.  So this year I thought, why not!

  Enter here to win everything pictured above.  Just a few things to help the transition from summer into fall....a light floral scarf that reminds us of the hot days of summer past, fall colors for manicures in cream and navy, a $10 Starbucks card for all of your Pumpkin Spice latte needs, Orchid body wash and spray and a pack of Thank you cards that truly, will never be out of style.  All you have to do to enter the giveaway is leave a comment on this post, but there are additional ways to earn additional entries listed below.  I will announce the winner on Monday.  Good luck!

a Rafflecopter giveaway