12:10 PM
Image by ludwig simbajon via FlickrThe kind of day that I find myself worrying and wondering about all sorts of things, which never does any good, as worry never does. The issue heavy on my heart and mind today is....will I be a good mom? And I don't mean that in a trivial way, as in, give me lots of compliments to quickly reassure myself, but really, will I be a good mom?
I mean, let's be honest. I'm not one of those women that is meek and mild, slow to speak, gentle, kind, and oozing sweetness from every pore. And I'm not exaggerating because I KNOW women like that. You probably do to. The fact is, I'm not that. I can be loud and opinionated, impatient and bossy, stubborn and indifferent. And those are things I don't want to be to my child.
I have this romantic (and probably naieve) notion that having a baby will change me. It will bring out a softer, sweeter side of Shelley, that I haven't seen as much as I'd like to. I have this ideal of the Mom I want to be, and I'm not there yet. I'm not. And that scares me. Because sometimes it takes a long, painful time to change, and I don't have all the time in the world. In fact, I have about 4 months. Will I be ready? Will I be what I want to be?
I grew up with Disney movies and when I think of some of the characters, it shocks me a little to realize that some days, I have a little bit more in common with the greedy stepmother than with the selfless Cinderella. Or the vain, wicked queen, rather than the humble Sleeping Beauty. The beast, rather than Belle. I'm not proud of this, it's just the way I feel some days. Like there is a cold, hard side of me that is not the woman I want to be, and up until now, it's been o.k., because I happened to marry the one man who loves me in spite of it all, and anyone else just had to deal with it.
But the thought of a precious little person, completely dependent on me, through the good and the bad, terrifies me a little. I don't want flaws. I don't want to make mistakes. I want to be perfect, and be everything that little person could ever want or dream of wanting in a Mom.
Hopefully tomorrow the preggo hormones won't be raging, I won't be as emotional, and I will feel like I can do this "Mom thing" again. Today is just not one of those days.
4 comments
Some auntly perspective: I truly believe God is designing this baby for you and you for this baby. So you just being YOU will be the best possible mom for this child. Also, fears and misgivings like yours are healthy. Mothering is a tough assignment and I think you're being realistic about it. The parents who are all confident they're doing it right usually are getting it all wrong.
ReplyDeleteShelley, your honesty is great and heart is pure. God will give you the strength to be the best mom you can be. Just pray, not to be perfect, but that God would use you to guide, rear, love this baby, child, preteen, teen, adult...etc. God will give you that strength and I trust that by being vunerable and crying out to God that He will share this: "My grace (strength) is perfect in weakness." Just remind me of this when I am expecting. :)
ReplyDeleteShelley...
ReplyDeleteYour post is beautiful. Raw beauty that flows freely! (I'm sure you don't feel that way, but it's true!) When I was pregnant I felt the same way. Ugly things were in my heart...and would always be. My child would see my faults and failures. When Easton was born love does a funny thing...you realize that it's ok to have faults. You're human and so is your baby. Although...an angelic human! :) God gives you grace in areas you never thought you needed grace. He also equips you in areas of your life that you NEED! Don't worry about being meek and sweet and quiet! Your child(ren) will LOVE your sense of adventure, your stories, you zeal for life and all the fun you bring! God made you JUST the way you are..and one day your children will rise up and call you blessed!
Hi,
ReplyDeleteThank you for using my photo.
Sincerely,
Ludwig Simbajon