Today is a vulnerable sort of day. 

   The kind of day that I find myself worrying and wondering about all sorts of things, which never does any good, as worry never does.  The issue heavy on my heart and mind today is....will I be a good mom?  And I don't mean that in a trivial way, as in, give me lots of compliments to quickly reassure myself, but really, will I be a good mom?

   I mean, let's be honest.  I'm not one of those women that is meek and mild, slow to speak, gentle, kind, and oozing sweetness from every pore.  And I'm not exaggerating because I KNOW women like that.  You probably do to.  The fact is, I'm not that.  I can be loud and opinionated, impatient and bossy, stubborn and indifferent.  And those are things I don't want to be to my child.

   I have this romantic (and probably naieve) notion that having a baby will change me.  It will bring out a softer, sweeter side of Shelley, that I haven't seen as much as I'd like to.  I have this ideal of the Mom I want to be, and I'm not there yet.  I'm not.  And that scares me.  Because sometimes it takes a long, painful time to change, and I don't have all the time in the world.  In fact, I have about 4 months.  Will I be ready?  Will I be what I want to be?

   I grew up with Disney movies and when I think of some of the characters, it shocks me a little to realize that some days, I have a little bit more in common with the greedy stepmother than with the selfless Cinderella.  Or the vain, wicked queen, rather than the humble Sleeping Beauty.  The beast, rather than Belle.  I'm not proud of this, it's just the way I feel some days.  Like there is a cold, hard side of me that is not the woman I want to be, and up until now, it's been o.k., because I happened to marry the one man who loves me in spite of it all, and anyone else just had to deal with it.  

   But the thought of a precious little person, completely dependent on me, through the good and the bad, terrifies me a little.  I don't want flaws.  I don't want to make mistakes.  I want to be perfect, and be everything that little person could ever want or dream of wanting in a Mom.

   Hopefully tomorrow the preggo hormones won't be raging, I won't be as emotional, and I will feel like I can do this "Mom thing" again.  Today is just not one of those days.