I truly, honestly wish the 20-week ultrasound wasn't mandatory.

   Because then I would just simply choose to not have an ultrasound, and consequently, not have to be in laborious dilemma over whether or not to find out what we are having!

   It seemed so simple with our first.  Neither of us wanted to know, and so we didn't find out.  I had a gender-neutral shower, we prepared a gender-neutral nursery room, we picked two names and we were set.  No big deal.  During labor it definitely felt like motivation to FINALLY find out who this little person was, but I have to admit, I thought the moment she was born would be a little more monumental.  I expected it to be all like "What is it??! What did we have??!" but in reality I lifted her up onto my chest and before I even "looked" I knew she was my girl.  Literally, right away. When they announced, "It's a girl!" It just kinda felt like, "Yeah, I know."  I still don't know why/how I knew, but it's kind of a sweet memory.

   The second one came along and Randy really wanted to know, so I caved and we found out.  I was surprised at how much fun it was to know!  I began dreaming of sisters and the bond they would share, I set to organizing all of my girl things for girl #2, and we only had to pick one name.  And if you over-obsess with names like me, that little bonus right there makes it ALL worth it.

   But then the third pregnancy came along, and suddenly I felt a sort of unexplained, primal, desperate urgency to NOT FIND OUT.  I can't even really explain it...when I try to break it down into rational reasons, those reasons fall apart one by one.  The practicality of knowing the gender wins out every time.

  Knowing decreases our name-choosing burdens by 50%, eases in the nesting phase of readying the little outfits and nursery decor, it gives an enhanced sense of bonding to the un-born baby because it now has a gender and a name, and aids in any gift-giving that people may feel so led to do.  Especially if it's a boy, as we have maybe like, 2 boy things in this entire house.  (Case in point, the above pic! I have zero boy's pants.) Over-all, it makes 100% logical sense to find out.

  But like I said, strange, unexplained urge to not know.  I was even at the ultrasound and had the self-discipline to LOOK AWAY from the monitor when they got into the little "gender region" which I then had them write on a little card, (for the sake of my dear husband) which I carried all the way home, and still haven't looked at yet.

   Some would equate the desire with not wanting to know with a desire to do things "all naturally" and "as they once were".  Well, that's not necessarily true, because men weren't even allowed in the delivery room at one point, and obviously, we want no part of that.  Modern medicine back in that time fell just short of American Horror Story, and so I don't think any of us are anxious to actually go running back there.  However.....

The gender dispute remains.

  Personally, I think it was so much easier when we didn't have a choice.  You just sat in your rocker and knitted little, white caps and booties, and no one even dreamt of anything different.  But today, since you do have a choice, people view it as almost a personal offense if you choose not to find out.  You appear stubborn, irrational, and just a little bit crazy that you would willingly choose to not know what you're having until you actually have it.

   But before you think I'm all on-board the mystery train, I have to say something for the other side.  FINDING OUT IS OK.  It's not wrong.  And it's actually pretty fun too!  The encampment over on the "not-finding-out" shores can make almost a semi-religion out of their decision to wait, thus ostracizing anyone who would lack the self-discipline to just WAIT AND SEE.   And it all gets a little bit silly after a while.

   But since I've done both, I feel I have a truly diplomatic, non-biased, scientific opinion.  (ha) And that is...........

   It doesn't really matter.  There are pros/cons either way, either way is a really cool surprise, and either way doesn't affect the gender that your baby already is.  It won't change anything.

But it is STILL hard to decide.;)

So just for fun, enter your guesses below!  Which do you think Smucker baby #3 will be???

   I wrote this post a long time ago....back on that precious, precious day I found out about our third little blessing.  Of course I couldn't share it right away because we hadn't announced it yet,  but then even when I could finally share it, I didn't want to.  It still felt too special.

   But today, with Christmas just around the corner and the pageant behind me and the feelings of playing the role of the mother of Jesus so fresh in my mind....it was just time to share.  I am bursting with the promise of a new life and I can't keep quiet about it!  Is there anything in this world more miraculous than an unborn child?!

   The awe never fully fades.  The wonder never dies.  The amazement, that God would bless me with a life growing inside.  And each time I wander into the kitchen and see this strip of black and white photos on my fridge of our tiny little one, with its fists clenched and tiny little nose, ears, toes, shaped so perfectly and heart beating so soundly, I am overwhelmed with gratitude and joy.

So, here it is.  My thoughts on that day.
_________________________________________________________________________________


I just found out about you today.

   And your daddy isn't home from work yet and I haven't told your big sisters and so right now in this moment, I am the only person on the face of this whole, wide world that knows about you.  Besides Jesus, of course.  It is truly, quite literally, just you and me.  Our little secret.

  And I'll admit, I love it.  Don't get me wrong,  I will relish telling your daddy and I will shout it to the whole world, but for right now, I am just drinking in this moment and just wrapping it tight around me like the coziest blanket and breathing it in.

My baby.

   I hadn't been planning on taking a test today.  I thought it was a little bit early still and so I was going to wait until at least tomorrow....but then about half-way through the day I just couldn't stand it any longer.  I had to know.

   I loaded up your sisters in the bike cart and I pedaled as fast as my legs would take me to the little convenience store in town.  I snatched the one (and only!) pregnancy test from the shelf and immediately felt self-conscious buying only that and so I grabbed some Ketchup too (like that's going to make it any less obvious).

   I paid as quickly as possible and loaded them up again and was on my way.  I remember that ride so clearly....a sunny October day with a hint of the crispness of fall in the air.  As soon as I got home I rushed inside and distracted the girls with something and escaped to the bathroom.

I never knew 3 minutes could stretch so long.

   Before I even saw the result (and I had to shield it from my eyes with my hand so I wouldn't peek) I was in tears.  Tears because the emotion was so strong.  It's such an insane adrenaline rush....knowing that in literally seconds your life could be changed forever or your hopes dashed.  I couldn't get myself to look and I couldn't tear myself away.  And just like that the time was up and it was time to look.....

Two pink lines.

   I sagged to the floor in relief.  Tears poured down my face as I lifted my arms and cried "Thank-you Jesus!  Thank-you Jesus. ThankyouJesus".  Over and over and over again.

   It hadn't even been that long.  For the years and years that some people have to endure, waiting, trying, hoping praying....what I endured was nothing.  NOTHING.  It was only a few months.  But that was enough for me.  Enough for me to know that a day can feel like a month, a month like a year, and a few months, a lifetime.

   I cannot even being to imagine the pain of year after year of dashed hopes.  But this time, it wasn't a "surprise".  It wasn't "unexpected" or half-planned, or a shock to the system provoking those "What have we done??!" feelings.  This time, it was what I hoped for and prayed for almost every single day.

   It is a painful truth of humanity that we never fully appreciate something until we don't have it, or fear that we may not ever have it again.  That is when it becomes something so much more than ordinary.  Something infinitely more than the mundane.  That is when it becomes a MIRACLE.

I am so grateful.  I am so grateful.  I am so grateful.

   I get to be your mama!  I get to grow you, deliver you, raise you, nurture you, and mother you, if it is God's will that I have the privilege of seeing it all come to pass.  Who am I with such a high and holy privilege?  3 children.  THREE children!  That will call me mama.

Thank-you Jesus.

Love,
-Your mama