Things have been a little quiet around the blog lately.

   Which of course is always a complete opposite representation of what is going on in real life.  The busier life gets = the quieter the blog.  And that's o.k.

   Mom was out here the past four days and we helped my sister's family move.  We also got together a lot and so of course there were meals to be made and laundry to be done and little girls that never got naps and seemed perpetually at odds with the world.

    I started babysitting for someone from church two days a week and cleaning the mill where Randy works to make a little extra money.  So suddenly 3 of my normally "not-so-busy" days are now busy.  And it is good, and I am thankful for the opportunities, but it sure makes the week fill up fast, and this belly just keep right on growing and demanding its own resources of time and energy too.

   But perhaps the most exhausting of all, has not been the dishes or the mopping or the folding of clothes or pregnancy aches and pains and settling toddler disputes....rather it has been feeling completely drained in that unique way that has nothing to do with busy schedules and pregnancy but everything to do with a deeper weariness.
A heaviness of heart and mind.
Soul-drained.

  Lately it feels as if I have been losing an uphill battle against legalism and judgment and a spirit of criticism, and nothing knocks me flat on my face faster than feeling like the enemy always, always gets the last word.

   Words fly like arrows, piercing the strongest shields and burrowing deep....hitting their mark and leaving their scars.  And I wish I could say that I am only ever the victim, and never the bowman, but unfortunately that wouldn't be true either.

  And this wild notion and inconceivable concept of grace and forgiveness and unconditional love sounds so glorious on paper but feels so impossible in reality.  We hear a sermon that moves us and read Truth that stirs us and we nod our heads and say, "Yes, Jesus, yes. Without love we are nothing."

And then we step foot out our front doors and set forth on a war path, leaving bodies in our wake.

   When will it end?  When will it be enough?  When will there have been enough debate, judgment, condemnation and reproach?  When can it just be finished?

Vindicate me, O God, and defend my cause against an ungodly people, from the deceitful and unjust man deliver me!
For you are the God in whom I take refuge; why have you rejected me? 
Why do I go about mourning because of the oppression of the enemy? 
Send out your light and your truth; let them lead me; 
let them bring me to your holy hill and to your dwelling! 
Then I will go to the altar of God, to God my exceeding joy, and I will praise you with the lyre, O God, my God. 
Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? 
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.

 -psalm 43