Arrows in the warrior's hand.

11:15 PM

   I feel like I'm starting to finally get it.  I'm finally beginning to grasp just the tiniest bit, my true purpose in life right now.  For so long, actually as long as I can remember, I have felt like I am just a little bit behind.  Struggling to find my place in this world while so many others seem to have found their niche.  But I am starting to see through the fog to the other side.  I am starting to feel purpose and meaning in what I'm living right here, and right now and realizing it is exactly where I need to be.

    For so long I've craved to be part of a "mission".  To have a calling.  A ministry.  I want to be part of a big picture.  Part of a grand design, a master plan....a small thread in a large tapestry reaching far and wide and affecting great change in my world.  The sad thing is.....I do have that, I just haven't always recognized it.

   I was listening to a podcast today (Revive our Hearts) on parenthood, and one of the things they discussed was this very concept.  Wanting a "mission" and something to be part of, when all along it is right in front or us.  No one else can be a mother/father to your children.  No one.  But anyone else can fill any number of all of those other important positions.  And so do now, what only you can do.  There will be a time later on in life for all of that other stuff.  PLENTY of time.  But for now there is a position that only you can fill.  And it doesn't last for long.

   And another gem I gleaned from the podcast....raising children is terribly difficult if it's all about us.  Our time, our money, our comfort.  But if we continually view parenting through one, certain lens, it changes everything.  If we view it through the lens of DISCIPLING, it makes all the difference.  The man being interviewed on the podcast said, "Show me a man who can disciple his children and I'll show you a man who can disciple anyone."  And so wanting to be that group leader/mentor/counselor is great, and maybe I'll get a chance to do some of those things one day.  But I can be a mentor and a leader today, RIGHT NOW, in perhaps the greatest capacity I will ever get the chance to be.

   I cannot shake that concept.  Suddenly all of the other endeavors/opportunities I found so important seem so small and insignificant in the light of that thought.  Nurturing, training, and discipling these young souls is such a privilege. An honor.

   Now do I think this means we, as mothers, aren't allowed to do things?  No.  But I think it does mean that we don't need to seek other things out for our identity, or to find fulfillment.  We can rest in knowing that what we do, for each moment of every day, has purpose.  Great purpose.  And we don't have to feel that unless we do A, B, C or X, Y, and Z we are not important.

   I know someone who is a little bit hesitant to have more children because of the state of our society.  It can seem a bit daunting, challenging, and even frightening to think of bringing up children in our world today.  And to some extent I would agree.

   Bruce Jenner's gender confusion and resulting 4 million dollar "transition" into a "woman" took place in June, the month that our sweet William was born.  And just one day after our son entered our world?  The Supreme Court ruling on homosexual "marriage" took place.  Yes it is frightening.  It is frightening to think of the America they will grow up in.  But it is also exciting, thinking of sending these arrows forth into the future to carry truth and hope and light into a world of increasing darkness.

    But with all of this great purpose and meaning and sense of responsibility comes feelings of terrible inadequacy.

I so often fail.

   I lose my patience, raise my voice, show my frustration, lack consistency.  I need more patience, gentleness, kindness and self-control in my life.  I have never felt a greater need for the fruit of the Spirit in my life than now!  And there's a reason it's called the Fruit of the Spirit.  It's not my fruit.  I don't need to try harder, I just need more of the Spirit.

But it's SO hard.

   So often I have had to just stop right in the middle of whatever I am saying/doing and pray right then and right there, and have the girls join right in with me in asking God to help Mama.  I need more wisdom.  I need His understanding. We live in a culture of endless confusion and gray areas and sin that isn't called sin anymore, and I am desperate not to fail them!  There is too much riding on it.  The discipling of these souls to go forth into our communities, our churches, our world, is a heavy thing. And I just want to be faithful to the part I am called to play in it.

"Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth."  -Psalm 127:4

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