Finding our groove.

3:06 PM

   Well it took baby #3 to finally do something that I wish I would have done with all of my babies...a newborn photo shoot.  Taking baby pictures is always something I think I can just do on my own...and then of course never do.  What with all of the nursing and napping and recovering from labor and such.  It just never seems to happen and usually I just manage to eek out one or two good shots for the birth announcement and call it a day, missing out on that precious, brief, FLEETING stage of infancy.

   And so this time it was such a treat to have Kari from Kari Renee Photography  come over so I never even had to leave the comfort of our home, and capture our sweet William in his natural habitat.

   Of course he was sleeping peacefully for the first tiny bit of it and then we did some sibling ones and well....he was never quite very peaceful after that.  This poor guy puts up with a lot with his two loving sisters eager to shower him with affection at every turn.  I wished later (why is hindsight always so clear?!) that I had done all of the ones of him alone BEFORE letting the girls anywhere near him, but alas, alack.  What's done is done. 

    I am so grateful for how much they love their little brother, but I am getting a little anxious for them to find their new "groove" together after his arrival....they had been playing together so well before this new addition to our family took place and now it seems they know just how to get on each other's last nerve.  And consequently their mother's last nerve as well.  But I haven't given up hope.  I know that kinship is somewhere there still, buried deep beneath the uncertainty and insecurity Big Change brings, and they will find it again, in due time.

   I'm always a little hesitant to talk about how good of a baby he's been, because it always feels a little like bragging, and I don't like that.  But since he's been pretty much amazing since birth, than I can't really take any credit for that, can I?  And so it's not bragging.  It's just....reporting.  

   He is a good baby.  Basically sleeps and eats, with content awake times, long naps in the daytime, 6-7 hours of sleep at night.  But the strangest part is, even with such a good baby, I have had a rough time lately.  I have felt like my patience, motivation, inspiration and a lot of other things have called it quits.  Just up and left.  Just leaving me and my ragged, flawed self to try and fumble along and find a new "normal".

   Call it what you partum hormones, feeling cooped up inside and missing out on summer, restlessness, whatever it may be it hasn't been the easiest thing.  And I certainly can't blame the baby!  So I wrestle mostly with guilt over even feeling that way in the first place, and then a heaping second helping of guilt for not being the person I want to be, and then a third helping of guilt for not overcoming it all already for goodness sake.

   It's not that I expect to be perfect, or for my life to be, I just so badly want to do right by them, you know?  I want to be a good mom.  The best mom I can possibly be.  I want to be a great wife.  Keeping that fire lit and passions alive.  Running our home like a pro.  Or at least managing to keep the laundry going.  And I just feel like I have been striking out lately.  My patience feels paper thin, and the grace and mercy I want to embody and extend to my loved ones is as dried up as all of those flowers and house plants I keep killing off.

   And so I call on Jesus for help and I aim to recognize lies for what they are and I try not to let anything steal my joy....but sometimes I'm not successful.  The enemy is always seeking to kill, steal and destroy, and when he's working with a roller coaster of Mama Bear estrogen and emotions, he can do some serious damage in very little time.

   Of course everything looms so dark and discouraging and defeating in my mind and then when I try to put it into words it all seems so....silly?  But of course it's not silly.  The things that drag us down into the pit are a lot of things, but silly isn't one of them.  It's just that they seem so small when pulled out from the shadows and into the light.  As if they should have never been big enough to hurt us, but they were.  Or we let them.  Complete garbage and lies like:
I am not enough.
I never will be.
I am not important.
I have nothing to offer.

   And it seems so ridiculous and almost laughable that I should struggle at this stage of my life when my purpose and meaning is perhaps as clear as it will ever be.  I GREW A HUMAN WITH MY BODY AND BIRTHED IT OUT OF MY BODY AND NOW I'M USING MY BODY TO KEEP IT ALIVE.  Talk about definitive purpose.  But the enemy doesn't go on maternity leave.  And just like before, the lies are there, waiting.  Just waiting for the opportune moment for you to open the door and invite them in to tea. 

   But I have so much reason and purpose and value in fighting these lies now.  Not only for my sake, or my husband's, but for the three little souls who are looking up to me.  Watching, absorbing, imitating reflecting....soaking up my example and mimicking it to the world.  What a honor.  Slightly terrifying?  Definitely. But an honor nonetheless.  

Help me Jesus, not to fail them.  

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  1. Oh honey...this is such a beautiful + honest piece of writing.
    Just in SEEING those lies + FIGHTING against them makes you the most wonderful mother. It's not about being perfect, and honestly, we just have seasons where it's harder to be all that we want to be (looking at you, hormones). What your children will remember and value about you is your heart that does want all the best for them, not your perfect/imperfect mothering. I love what you said about having a greater purpose to fight the lies...not just for your own free heart, but for the fact that your own free heart will enable you to love and live more alive for the sake of your husband + children. You got this, woman!

  2. so true! such a good post and such beautiful photos!!


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