I truly, honestly wish the 20-week ultrasound wasn't mandatory.

   Because then I would just simply choose to not have an ultrasound, and consequently, not have to be in laborious dilemma over whether or not to find out what we are having!

   It seemed so simple with our first.  Neither of us wanted to know, and so we didn't find out.  I had a gender-neutral shower, we prepared a gender-neutral nursery room, we picked two names and we were set.  No big deal.  During labor it definitely felt like motivation to FINALLY find out who this little person was, but I have to admit, I thought the moment she was born would be a little more monumental.  I expected it to be all like "What is it??! What did we have??!" but in reality I lifted her up onto my chest and before I even "looked" I knew she was my girl.  Literally, right away. When they announced, "It's a girl!" It just kinda felt like, "Yeah, I know."  I still don't know why/how I knew, but it's kind of a sweet memory.

   The second one came along and Randy really wanted to know, so I caved and we found out.  I was surprised at how much fun it was to know!  I began dreaming of sisters and the bond they would share, I set to organizing all of my girl things for girl #2, and we only had to pick one name.  And if you over-obsess with names like me, that little bonus right there makes it ALL worth it.

   But then the third pregnancy came along, and suddenly I felt a sort of unexplained, primal, desperate urgency to NOT FIND OUT.  I can't even really explain it...when I try to break it down into rational reasons, those reasons fall apart one by one.  The practicality of knowing the gender wins out every time.

  Knowing decreases our name-choosing burdens by 50%, eases in the nesting phase of readying the little outfits and nursery decor, it gives an enhanced sense of bonding to the un-born baby because it now has a gender and a name, and aids in any gift-giving that people may feel so led to do.  Especially if it's a boy, as we have maybe like, 2 boy things in this entire house.  (Case in point, the above pic! I have zero boy's pants.) Over-all, it makes 100% logical sense to find out.

  But like I said, strange, unexplained urge to not know.  I was even at the ultrasound and had the self-discipline to LOOK AWAY from the monitor when they got into the little "gender region" which I then had them write on a little card, (for the sake of my dear husband) which I carried all the way home, and still haven't looked at yet.

   Some would equate the desire with not wanting to know with a desire to do things "all naturally" and "as they once were".  Well, that's not necessarily true, because men weren't even allowed in the delivery room at one point, and obviously, we want no part of that.  Modern medicine back in that time fell just short of American Horror Story, and so I don't think any of us are anxious to actually go running back there.  However.....

The gender dispute remains.

  Personally, I think it was so much easier when we didn't have a choice.  You just sat in your rocker and knitted little, white caps and booties, and no one even dreamt of anything different.  But today, since you do have a choice, people view it as almost a personal offense if you choose not to find out.  You appear stubborn, irrational, and just a little bit crazy that you would willingly choose to not know what you're having until you actually have it.

   But before you think I'm all on-board the mystery train, I have to say something for the other side.  FINDING OUT IS OK.  It's not wrong.  And it's actually pretty fun too!  The encampment over on the "not-finding-out" shores can make almost a semi-religion out of their decision to wait, thus ostracizing anyone who would lack the self-discipline to just WAIT AND SEE.   And it all gets a little bit silly after a while.

   But since I've done both, I feel I have a truly diplomatic, non-biased, scientific opinion.  (ha) And that is...........

   It doesn't really matter.  There are pros/cons either way, either way is a really cool surprise, and either way doesn't affect the gender that your baby already is.  It won't change anything.

But it is STILL hard to decide.;)

So just for fun, enter your guesses below!  Which do you think Smucker baby #3 will be???

   I am sure I am not the first pregnant woman to be up in the wee hours of the morning, just days before her due date, bouncing on a big, blue, birthing ball and blogging.  And I'm sure I won't be the last.

   It's just that when lying in bed all snuggled under the covers, sandwiched between pillows is no longer comfortable, than really, what is?  Might as well be editing pictures, blogging, and browsing Pinterest, if you ask me.  I had considered a long, moonlit walk to try and get things going, but then I was afraid nothing would happen anyway and I would just wish I had stayed inside where it was warm and blogged.  So here we are. :p

***Editor's note: I started this post at 2:36 am, I am finishing it up now.  I got tired of waiting on photos to load and went to bed.:)  Also, note to all you lovely pregnant ladies out there:  this should officially be your motivation to get out there at get those pictures taken with your darling little 30 week bumps, and not wait until you're a few days away from your due date and starting to get all puffy.  Although I would say in the case of maternity photos, (or any photos for that matter) it truly is better late than never.   You will never have those moments back again.***

   My dear husband obliged my wishes for one last photo shoot before Baby, and so that's what we did last night. We went into town and made an evening of it, eating at Izzy's, and grocery shopping afterwards.
   Jocelyn was such a trooper.  She had already had a long, hard day and then I was expecting a photo shoot out of her.  First, I spent most of the day over at a friend's house, learning to make soap.  She was NOT having a good morning.  She's also terrified of animals, and they have a puppy who is part St. Bernard.  You do the math.


  Then, we went to town and she got some vaccinations.  3 shots, to be exact.  Bless her soul, whenever she gets them I have to just repeat over and over to myself, "You're doing this because you love her so much.  You are trying to do what's best for her, and the baby."  But it really just feels like torture.  For me and for her, not sure who hurts more. 

 Then after all that, dragging her through a photo shoot?!  Well, that was just asking a bit much for this poor soul going on the fumes of a 30 minute nap.  But she hung in there, and was very tickled with the food at Izzy's, and her bottle, after which she promptly fell asleep in her car seat.  Needless to say though, we didn't get too many smiles out of her.





    There are many things about this pregnancy that I loved.

• Feeling her kick and tumble inside of me, wondering what a little firecracker she must be to move like that.  Can't wait to meet this new "personality".
• Having people often comment on and compliment my bump, and even more so after finding out it was another girl, and I would soon be mommy to two little sisters.
• The nervous excitement that dawns as D-day draws near...knowing I will soon be going through that intense "rite of passage" of birth.  It is such an amazing, incredible, life-changing experience, and I'm looking forward to being forever changed, once again.
• Thinking and dreaming about life with the girls, and all the fun adventures we will have together.

    Then, let's be honest, there were quite a few things I didn't love:

• Watching my body slowly but surely transform once again until I felt nearly a stranger to it.
• Missing volleyball.  And other activities.
• Feeling my energy sap from me like water from a sponge on a hot day.
• Dreading even simple daily tasks like cooking and making lunches.
• Constant backache.
• A never-ending shrinking wardrobe.
• Peeing approximately 39 times a day.  (o.k. so that's maybe an exaggeration.  I have no clue, really)

    But isn't that the beauty of it?  That it takes a little sacrifice, a lot of pain, and a tremendous amount of GIVING to bring a person into this world?  I wish I would always view life and people that way.  To give until it hurts.  To love and speak life, in spite of my weaknesses.  To put them first, and myself last.
    Can we ever begin to even grasp a fragment of the love God must have for His children?  Honestly I can't even imagine.  When Jocelyn entered the world and rested in my arms for the very first time, I felt a new level of fierce loyalty and devotion that I never even knew existed before.  Like I said, it changed me.  Not just physically and emotionally but to the depths of my core.  I entered that birth center and left, a different person.  And to think that it is only a shadow of God's love for us completely blows my mind.  How can He love us so much?  We are so undeserving.  Yet He does, and He always will.  Even beyond what I could ever offer or give to my daughters.
   And so it is with joy that I come to the end of this pregnancy.  No, the road has not been (lame pun alert) without a few bumps.  I have not always been the gracious, delightful, bubble of bliss to be around.  Just ask my dear husband.  But we have just about made it, and I am so ecstatic to be nearly finished.

The finish line is in sight.

I can do this. I can make it.

Thank-you Jesus.
  

  With this ever-growing belly and my due date quickly approaching, I am constantly feeling the strain of my to-do list and all of the things I would like to get done before Baby comes.  One of which is catching up on my blog.  So here's a "catch-up" post from back in April when I threw a tea party for all of my pregnant friends.

    As you've probably gathered, there is a baby boom going on out here!  There was when Jocelyn was born too, and it has been so much fun getting together with Moms for play dates, and watching all of our babies grow together.  Being pregnant with friends somehow makes everything seem a little more doable.  And I am so grateful to experience this amazing stage of life with so many lovely ladies.

   Unfortunately it didn't suit for 4 ladies, so it ended up just being 5 of us at the party.  It would have been so much fun to get that picture of 9 bumps all in a row!  But it was still a lovely time.   We enjoyed tea, refreshments, a little baby trivia, and I sent them off with a book about praying for your children.  It was so much fun to sit at a table with women who had either gone through this many times before or were experiencing it for the first time and share stories, advice and little words of encouragement.
   But when we DO come together?  When we put our arms around each other and pass it all along?  Then it somehow makes everything we go through just a little more worth it.  The thought that I was not alone in my journey, and I did not suffer each step of labor for only myself and my child, but for the benefit of sharing my story with others, and hopefully it being a source of encouragement, education and empowerment.

   I'm afraid my blog is going to be quite baby-themed for the next few weeks or so.  Bear with me!  It's heavily (pun intended) on my mind.
  
   Today was actually quite profitable.  My mother-in-law Bonnie had an idea (that was nothing short of divine inspiration), to have a once-a-week "Grandma Day".  So she had Jocelyn all day and I was able to tear through the house, getting things done.  I did some laundry, namely washing up some baby things like the car seat and bouncy seat covers.  I already have the bedding, blankets and towels all washed and ready, and it all makes baby girl seem so much closer!

   I am especially giddy about the bouncy seat (which I badly needed) that I found at a garage sale BRAND NEW for $10.  It's a Combi Pod bouncer, which reportedly retails for $90, although I realize it can be found cheaper other places.  Such a steal.


 Another garage sale steal was these baby moccasins!  I just love them to pieces.
 I am so glad I didn't lose my patience and end up buying these:

I saved about $59 this way.:)

   Then Randy came home from work early so that we could go into town to do some grocery shopping and meet with the maternity nurse coordinator at the hospital.  We also got to tour the labor/delivery rooms, and go over our birth plan.  Yes, you read right, we are having our 2nd at the hospital.  This is for a number of different reasons that I won't launch into right now.  Maybe some other day.  But one of which is the fact that when we moved, we moved 20-25 minutes farther away from the birth center where we had Jocelyn, and considering that Jocelyn was born an hour after we got there, and 2nd babies tend to go even faster, we didn't think we should take our chances of delivering along side the road somewhere.  :p

   Like I said, there are other reasons, but I don't really want to go into them now.  In a perfect world, I wouldn't give birth in a hospital.  I would give birth in a jacuzzi in a fully furnished (and air conditioned) hut on the beaches of Bora Bora.  Randy would be dutifully massaging coconut oil into my aching muscles and a midwife would be fanning me with a palm branch as soothing guitar music played softly in the background. 

But this isn't a perfect world now, is it?

  And so sometimes we have to work with what we have, and this time around, for us, that means the hospital.  But I am optimistic.  Hospitals have changed a LOT in the past number of years, and are much more open-minded and even supportive of approaching labor and delivery as naturally as possible.  I am not scared of the hospital, and although I have heard lots of horror stories (who hasn't?) I am confidant that things can go just as well there as they can somewhere else.

   It was evident as I talked with the maternity coordinator that some of the things that were important to me, were very important to her too.  Without me even bringing it up, she mentioned skin-to-skin contact between the mother and the baby happening immediately after birth, and the baby is never "whisked away to the nursery" as is often perceived.   I felt completely supported in my decisions to breastfeed and abstain from medication or an epidural, and other things.  She never once seemed pushy or even subtly trying to affect my decision.  Randy and I both really liked her.

   So, we'll see how it goes.  I am not saying I think everything will go perfectly as planned.  I am not that naieve.  But I am saying that I think hospital's horrible reputations are not always what they seem.  And I am both curious and excited to see how it will be for me, during this birth.  I will keep you posted.:)

In other news, I am 37 weeks along!
   This means that:

• Baby girl is the size of a small watermelon, and boy does it sure feel that way!  I feel like a beached whale most of the time, and it is getting harder and harder to get comfortable.
• Her body is developed enough to survive outside of the womb. 
• Her lungs, now filled with amniotic fluid, are ready to take her first breaths of air. 
• Her eyelids flutter open and shut preparing for her first view of Mommy and Daddy.
• This baby is just about done growing inside of me. It could be anytime now!

   I am so excited to meet this little soul.  To touch her velvet skin, and to see if she has lots of dark hair like Jocelyn or is bald like her daddy was.  To name her.  To hold her close and breathe in that newborn scent that no one in the whole world can replicate.  To watch her meet her Big Sister.  To take her home and start our life as parents of two.  TWO!  Are we crazy?!

Hopefully the next few weeks fly by, because I am one, impatient (and uncomfortable) mama!

    I was going to post about my rainy day activities, but I can't get any pictures to upload from my iPhone, so we'll just move right along to plan B.  More Maternity Fashion For your Mundane Monday! Or MMFFMM, which is the sound I make when I try to pick things up off the floor.  You choose.

   If there's one thing I can stress (and probably have before) for pregnancy fashion, it's to accessorize.  You will feel so much less frumpy and hippo-esque with just a few key accessories it's amazing.  And so easy it's a no-brainer.  Post-baby, you can go right back to rolling out of bed and throwing on a t-shirt and looking fabulous, but pregnant mamas take a l-i-t-t-l-e more effort.

Example:  This outfit with just the skirt and shirt would have looked terrible. No pictures, just trust me.;) Add leggings, a scarf and a jacket, and you are now able to show your face in public!  Magic! 

   Side note:  I made this scarf.  If I never do another thing for the rest of my life, I will feel accomplished.  Why?  Because I have never sewn something before that I've actually wanted to wear.  Plus, it took like 15 minutes and I could do it when Jocelyn was awake.  Hello, Christmas gifts!

   You'll have to excuse the next ones because we had just gotten back from a lovely evening out and I was starting to drag and need my bed.  It was such a fun night though...dinner at P.F. Changs, loitering in a bookstore (for what is never long enough), and a movie. 


   32 weeks, only 8 more to go! I'm getting QUITE ready to be done being pregnant. More so this time than with Jocelyn I think.  Probably because you get bigger, sooner the 2nd time around or something.  Who knows.  But don't get me wrong, I'm grateful!  I'm just so ready to meet this little lady and lose a few lbs.  O.k. more than a few.

   A few fun facts about my little acrobat:

• Baby girl is about 18.9 inches long and weighs up to 4 pounds.
• Rather than hearing vibrations, the nerve endings in her ears are connected now so that she can hear distinct sounds, like familiar voices and music.
• By now, all the five senses are working. Toe nails have completely formed, and the hair on her head is continuing to grow. She opens her eyes and can focus her gaze on a fixed point.
• She is now the size of a jicama...and I have no idea what that is.  Next week, she'll be the size of a pineapple!

Can't wait to meet you, little one.  

   I am simply dying of curiosity to see if you'll look like Jocelyn, your mama, your daddy, or something altogether uniquely your own.  I can't wait to name you.  I can't wait to hold you for the first time and hear your fragile little cry...or maybe it won't be a fragile little mewling like your sister, but a big, hearty yell. :) That would be just fine.
   I am so interested to discover your personality, as you seem like quite the little firecracker now. Tumbling and turning, stretching and kicking...you seem anxious to make your way into this world and change our lives forever.  And I have the feeling you'll do just that.


Waiting expectantly for you, 
Love, Mama.

   I've been wanting to do this post for a long time, as it is a subject near and dear to my heart.  Maternity fashion.  Dressing the bump.  Modern mama.  Whatever you want to call it, if you've been pregnant for any amount of time, and have even the slightest interest in clothes, it can become discouraging, frustrating and downright uncomfortable in a hurry.  Nothing fits quite right, and the things that do are either your husband's old basketball t-shirts and sweats that no one wants to see you in, or clothes from Motherhood Maternity designed with a 35-year-old in mind that you don't really want to see yourself in.

   In my first pregnancy (and so far in this one), I wore my normal clothes for at least 3/4 of the time.  I just wear my normal clothes as long as I possibly can, and then mix in a few maternity items for comfort, while layering other pieces from my wardrobe.

   This way, I still feel like I retain the "old me" and don't have to transform completely into this frumpy, pregnant, mom-to-be creature, and it also saves a LOT of money.  Once again, if you've been pregnant, you quickly realize how ridiculously expensive maternity clothing is, and it's hard to spend that much on clothes you love, much less spend it on clothes you don't even really like. :(  So, without further ado, some of my maternity fashion.

   (My photo shoot was cut short by this beloved time of year we refer to as "March Madness" as the game began.  But that's o.k., thanks Shelby and Hubby for taking the photos you did! :)  And I will post more outfits later.)

30 (in two days) weeks pregnant.  Only 10 more to go!

   Here's another one with pretty much the same outfit scheme.  Dress, skinny jeans, hat.  It is my go-to type outfit for this cold, rainy, wintry weather we've been having while the rest of the world gets to experience spring.  Keeps you nice and warm and you can add/subtract sweaters or cardigans as you feel the need. 
  Here is one I can't figure out how I feel about...I love the skirt, but when I put it on, it just looks a little weird.  Is it the length?  Is it too full to wear as maternity?  I want to try it again post-baby and see if I like it better.  Any feedback is appreciated.:)
   Here we finally moved outside to some better lighting as the sun (?!!?!!?) decided to show us a rare glimpse of its face.  Minutes after these photos the clouds all rolled back in, but that little break was so nice!  Thank-you Jesus.

• If you splurge on anything, splurge on bras and shoes.  (And I need to take my own advice on this one).  Because everything else can be found second-hand or cheap, but those are two things you want GOOD QUALITY in.
• Accessorize in excess!  When you're feeling frumpy and huge, layers work miracles.  And even your comfy t-shirt will look completely different with a scarf, belt, hat and nice shoes. 
•   When you get up in the morning, put something on other than a hoodie and sweats!!!  I can't emphasize this enough.  I know you think they're the comfiest pieces of clothing that you own, but dressing in something a little nicer will give you more energy, motivation and positive thinking for the rest of the day.  You will actually get more accomplished too!  Try it and see.
• When pregnant, you don't have to necessarily think BIG.  I see women wearing things that are plain and simply too large for them, just because they're pregnant.  Think same sizes (in most things) but look for stretchy, forgiving fabrics, and longer lengths.  Anything with a high-waist works really well.
• If you're in that "Not yet a baby bump, but just looks like I ate a big burrito" stage, wear once again, lots of layers and things that draw attention elsewhere.  For example, a patterned scarf,  interesting hat or bright, bold shoes will have people looking up at your face and down at your feet, and not necessarily your mid-section.  And high-waisted skirts with a belt will hide just about anything!  

   That's all I can think of for now, if I think of some more I will include them in my next outfit post.  Although considering how long it took me to get around to doing this one,  I might have a baby by then. :p

    And in closing, if you're pregnant and find yourself sporting a bump whether it's small, medium or large, wear it proudly!!!  That is probably the best advice I can give.  Yes, I know you're uncomfortable.  Yes, I know that some days you feel like you got run over by an ice cream truck and then ate all that was inside it.  I've been there.

   But just think.  That precious life growing inside of you is an absolute miracle and a privilege that many women would give anything to have.  Let's not belittle the gift by complaining, moping around, dressing frumpily or just plain giving up.  Let's hold our heads a little higher, wear that bump with pride, and thank the good Lord that we don't have the gestational period of an elephant, which is almost two years.  Or the baby size of a baby elephant.


Have a hip, happy pregnancy.

   Wasn't it just yesterday that we didn't know her?  Wasn't it just yesterday that she was "just" a life in the womb, silent and unknown, growing and waiting, and we knew so very little about her?



   It was only yesterday that I had NO idea how much a tiny hand could hold such a strong grip on my heart, how the simplest smile could open up my entire world to a love I hadn't even imagined...


   Wasn't it just yesterday that we had no clue of what lie in store for us?  Oh, we knew a baby was coming, but we couldn't begin to fathom how much she would flood our lives with joy, with delight, with adoration.


It was only yesterday that we thought our hearts were as full as hearts could be.

...and we thought each other were all that we really needed.

We couldn't imagine it any other way.

   Wasn't it just yesterday that I felt that life moving inside of me, and thought I couldn't wait to hold her then?

When now, if I couldn't hold her another day, my heart would shatter into a million pieces.

   Wasn't it just yesterday.....no, it was two months ago.  Exactly two months ago today, Jocelyn entered our lives.  How is that even possible that it's only been two months?  Do any of you remember what you were doing two months ago?  I'm sure it doesn't seem very long ago, and yet in two months, your world can change so drastically it's as if certain parts of you didn't exist before, and yet always were.

And yes, I'm completely aware that my words make very little sense.

   But there are parts of me that were born WITH Jocelyn, and will remain the same, until the day I die.  A fierce protectiveness, a tender, aching love, a desperate hope and longing for her future.  Feelings I can't put words to one day, feelings that scare me the next.

   What if she won't love me like I love her?  What if she won't care?  I need her in so many ways.  I want to be best friends with her, and yet I know that there are just going to be rough times, maybe rough years.  Sometimes I love her so much it hurts.

And it was only two months ago.......